And, Breathe…

Oh, hi…So, remember when I said that FET 2 was canceled, and then it wasn’t? And then we did the transfer? Well, I wish it had just been canceled like I thought, because it would have spared me a lot of grief and one perfectly healthy embryo.  I think the grief part I can handle, the worry, the stress.  It’s the part where we lose an embryo–a potential child, that I can’t get over right now.

The wounds are still fresh, we only found out yesterday that the sticky little guy didn’t take.  Right now I’m a mixed bag of emotions.  Be careful what you say to me because I may cry, scream, or just stare at you blankly.   I’m sad that  we’ll never get to meet the would-be baby, but relieved we still have 3 more frozen.  I’m scared that the other three won’t stick around for the long haul.  I’m confused as to whether we should ship our frozen embryos down to California and find a new doc.  I’m so incredibly grateful that I’m mom to one amazingly strong little embryo that DID stick around and turned into a beautiful and joyful toddler.  The thought of my amazing Roro is what brings me to tears.  It’s like an overwhelming sense that we were so lucky to get that chance, while at the same time mourning the wonderful kids that we may never get to know.

It feels greedy to want more than one child now, but I can’t help it.  I love being Roro’s mom, LOVE it!  I think for now, I need to wrap myself in that comforting truth, and breathe…

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3 thoughts on “And, Breathe…

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